Yes, that's right kiddies, i want my brain to shush for once and not over think everything that is going on around me.
I sit here at 3 int he morning, unable to sleep, who knows why.. actually, i do know why, but it's rather pathetic really. but then again, isn't everything we write in here pathetic? or whiny in some sort? Who knows, perhaps that's just my cynical take on things right now.
In the past while, since I last updated this some 33 weeks ago, i have somehow mananged to land myself a somewhat boyfriend... i know gasp! shock! there kiddies! try not to let the shock get to you. Anywho, this brings me round to the point of my entry -- be warned.. i am totally being petty and overanalytical, but dammit, i wanna be.. lol
All week this week i seem to be in a funk where nothing seems to make me feel or think better -- I think it's some sort of onset depression.. but anywho, back to the man.
things were going great for a while, but i don't know. it seems that as of late, i feel like i've been put on the back burner, no longer a body worthy of much attention. For example, we used to text teach other like 400 times a day.. now it's maybe once or twice.. if i'm lucky 3times a day. These past two weeks have been very trying for me. It seems that all i really want is time alone with him, with out having to share him with my friends, his family, i just want him. Is that so much to ask? I want to see him again, more than twice a week. I know that he's likely going to be moved to an on site location for work, but that means even moreso that i won't be able to see him as often as i'd like. I'm sitting here wondering what the gods seem to have against me. Sure, i may be sounding like a whining little bitch who's wiggling in self-pity, but you know what. I feel like i deserve better than what i'm getting. I miss the way things were, i miss how he'd change his facebook status to "is wanting to be cuddling with chris" or "wishing chris were here" I miss that. I want to know why things have changed so dramatically lately. I feel like i'm being held in the dark with very light to guide me. It seems like i am on a sinking ship that better start being bailed out otherwise that ships going down and leaving me swimming. \
I hate the fact that i feel like i'm sinking. I hate the fact that i have opened myself to the point where i feel so dependant. I hate the fact that i'm jealous. I hate the fact that i'm becoming so needy.. I hate the fact that i feel like i'm not good enough. I hate the fact that i'm likely over-reacting cause i keep getting told that his feelings for me hasn't changed... i hate the fact that i don't believe him...
And i hate the fact that i am not getting much reassurance over his ex being present, esp since he still loves him. I hate feeling like i'm second best.

While searching for past assessment examples, i stumbled upon this ditty that i wrote in one of my english classes last year..
We had to begin with i celebrate myself.. and go from there..
I celebrate myself
I celebrate myself,
i seduce myself, I love myself
I feel my hands, exploring every inch,
every nook, every groove, whisper.
It's electric, shivers, and vibrates.
Every touch shimmers and forces me into ecstacy
I celebrate myself.
i feel the warmth and embrace it.
I celebrate myself,
I hold onto it cherished.
I leave me behind,
i embrace the warm feeling of slipping into a new skin
it's warm.
I celebrate that feeling,
never wanting it to leave,
I celebrate the sense of belonging.
I never want to part, but like a new leaf
i turn over new growth from my shed skin.
new
it feels tight -- complete, whole.
I celebrate myself.

Your Brain is 93% Female, 7% Male

You have the brain of a girly girl Which isn't a bad thing at all You're emphatetic, caring, and in tune with emotions. You're a good friend and give great advice.

got you beat Jess:p
although.. should i be disturbed?

So, for those of you who haven't heard, i went on a date last thurs. Haven't been on one for a while, so i went, and i must say, it went even better than i had anticipated. i had no clue what to expect so that was a bit of a downer, but when i arrived, seeing him smile upon greeting me, just took that edge away. We started off the night in tim hortons -- where i had a peppermint tea and he had a large double double if i recall correctly. Anywho, not important.. sidenote, did you know that laptops on a male's prostate can reduce the chances of reproduction.. *looks down.. fuck it!* :p
Back on track. So after getting my drink, we sat and just started talking, none of this awkward first date stuff like what are you interested in, etc.. but more meaty and hearty stuff..the deeper philosophical conversations -- one that which i rarely ever have, so that was nice. We debated, flirted.. and before you knew it, 2 hours had passed.. He needed a smoke, so i was like, sure why not? from there we went to his car.. and no.. no sex occured.. but we did end up talking even more so.. hehe, for a good 3 hours more.. yes.. that's right folks, 5 hours in a tim hortons vicinity. You'd think there would be awkward silences and stuff, but no, it just flowed non-stop. It was very refreshing, and much improved from previous dates that i've had. our conversations flowed really nicely, drew me even more attracted to him. speaking of attraction, he's just as cute in person as online:p
anyways..lol.. at the end of the night, so around 130, we decide its a must that we split.. as i had to be up at 7. So with that said, he said "i want to kiss you, but id on't know if that would be weird or not". I told him to go for it, and he did.. he used his hands around the back of my head.. *drools* the way to my heart through a good kiss with the useage of hands. when i had pulled away after the first kiss, he was like, i'm not done yet, and pulled me in ever more.. *can we say.. aahh!! i loved it!! every minute of it!*
so yes, thinking about that makes me smile and smirk.. i really do hope something good comes out of this. I would love to have a long term relationship again. none of this fuck-buddy shit, i want something substantial. i just sent him a text asking him on another date:p

So since then, on sat, kristen and I went to the gym, to which my abs are just starting to not be sore.. hehe.. then after, we went to jessy and nickies to visit and look at pics.. only to be late for logan's little shingdig..but alas, it turned out well, sitting in that hot tub.. ahh, so nice:p

Alrighty, so that made up for the most of the week last week.. the weekend doesn't have much description as i am getting sick of typing, and yea, i keep looking around the room as i type this, i scared my mother the other day cause i was typing while looking at her.. heeh.. so with that said..

I had my last evaluation today, it went alright, the more i think about it, the less i agree with some of jake's ways.. i dunno, i teach to the class, not to jake -- i do what i know they do best, so i think his observations and criticisms are bit unjust.. but whatever, only 3 more left with him.. hehe

god what else to write, nothing more ig uess, this is me..
over and out

Question for y'all, how do you get a guy to know that you like them and want to go out with them with out saying just that?

*dances and sings* you can be my bad boy, be my man, be my weekend lover, but don't be my friend*
How slutty are those lyrics? yet how fitting are those for me?
My god, i need to get laid..
Anywhoodles.. small world, this guy added me to msn - a friend of jenni's.. we've discovered that we slept with eachother earlier this year.. how creepy is this?

So what's new? nothing overly much, just influx of new men in my life.. I love it:)
I so should be in bed, but sleeping till 3pm today, kinda has forced me awake.. i am nowhere near tired, it sucks, i should sleep, but i'm wide awake.. lol

i don't know what to write, i think that this will be a pointless entry.. but as i type, i am comparing places that i've done it with this other guy.. creepy small world.. LOL

He isn't worth my time, i can do better than him... now all i have to do is believe that.

Sitting here at the lake in bed, so many things are running through my head. I guess it’s more reflective over how far I have personally come in the past year since I came out. Hearing Sarah talk about being bi and leaning more towards lesbianism in a way frightens me. Not because we’re gay, but because I’m afraid of what will become of the families. I suppose that is rather hypocritical of me to think as such, but in many ways it’s true. Our parents were raised to not accept things that were not considered normal.

What I’m not worried about is Sarah coming out, mainly because while brad will have a bit more of a difficult time accepting that one of his daughters is a lesbian, he will be able to understand the mindset and how it happens just that much more because of me -- i hope. I don’t want to take too much credit, but it’s true. I am the first one on the McKay and Rivet sides to fully come out and be open about myself. So it has come around, therefore, I hope and dearly want her to have a simpler time than what I had, but reality is, I know it’s going to be just as difficult. Which is why I am making sure she knows that she can talk to me whenever however, where ever; cause I will listen regardless of what I’m doing.
Hearing her talk, its funny cause it literally was a flashback to me and what was going on in my head during my coming out phase. Her talking about being dishonest, wanting relief, not hiding things, that was everything that I had said. Wanting to know how they’d react and feel if she brought a girl home.

This whole thing has made me wonder if there truly is a higher power at play right now because why else would one family have two gay relatives. Perhaps it’s to teach tolerance, if only we knew; but, sadly we do not, so nothing really that we can do.
I sit here typing, reflecting on everything that was said tonight, there was a lot of realizations and learning going on, or in the words of my prof, powerful learning. Seriously, if I hear her say powerful again, I will scream. But back to business. This probably was one of the best discussions I’ve had with nick and Sarah. It felt good to know that I wasn’t alone in my thinking’s. I hope Sara doesn’t feel as alone or disconnected or misunderstood as she did before because she knows that I’ve gone through it, and am still going through it. I have her back, so hopefully she knows that.

I guess by the end of this weekend, that’s what I want her to realize. She is so much happier now than what she was last year – it’s remarkable the difference. I like her, I actually enjoy being around her I hope that we become closer to. But until then, I need sleep so goodnight world, we’ll see if I write more tomorrow.

now, you know you're close to your boss when she invites you for drinks with her and her friend, and those two start thinking of who they'd like to set me up with... yes ladies and gents, that happened.. my boss and her friend were deciding of who they know that would be a good match.. oy vey, very interesting night, we were checkin out guys down corydon while drinking and what not.. it was all good.. lol.. then we started talkin about sex.... she started ranting about her man not being able to foreplay.. i've never heard her ever talk about sex.. but then again, never have i seen her this drunk.. so that was all fine and dandy, it made for an interesting night..
I also had my tooth done today, ugh! i hate fillings.. and that type of dental crap, cause it just sucks! Now my computer is sounding like it's about to explode.. woot! that's like so totally so much fun.. like OMG!!!

Anywho, just a brief update.. so here's some lyrics that are turning me on and making me chuckle:

Over and Out

I'd like to direct your attention
To something that needs directing to
A lot of people talk about
Dining in and eating out
I guess that's what this song's about

I know this is not a dining room conversation
And you don't have to listen if you don't have the time
But let me remind you in case you don't already know
Dining out can happen down below

Everybody's talkin' 'bout
Wanting that and needing this
I'd just like to know
If you want to learn a different kind of kiss
So won't you go down where it's warm inside
Go down where I cannot hide
Go down where all life begins
Go down that's where my love is

Now what could be better than a home cooked meal
How you want to eat it depends on how you feel
You can eat all you want and you don't get fat
Now where else can you go for a meal like that
It's not fair to be selfish or stingy
Every girl should experience eating out
Sometimes when I come home from a hard day at work
I swear it's all I can think about

Colonel Sanders says it best
"Finger lickin' good"
Let's put what you've learned to the test
Can you make a fire without using wood
Are you still hungry; aren't you glad we came
I'm glad you brought your raincoat
I think it's beginning to rain

That's where my love is
Come inside
That's where all life begins
It's warm inside


mm.. delish!!

Okies, Over and Out